Number of Minutes Spent Looking for Pearls Worn Last Weekend: 75
Location of Pearls When Found: Under the couch
Hours Late Leaving for Oklahoma: ¾
Level of Hangover at Point of Departure: Yellow
Obligatory Trips to McDonald’s: 1
Number of Elapsed Minutes Before Realization That All CDs Left at Home: 20
Emotion Felt When Said Forgotten CDs Realization Meant Probable Exposure to Country Music: Horror
Emotion Felt at Discovery That Drive to Denton Isn’t That Far: Mild surprise
Number of Cars in Roadside Porn Store Parking Lot at 11:37 a.m.: 7
Level of Disappointment Felt That Passport Stamp Unnecessary for Border Crossing: Moderate
Uncontrollable Verbal Outburst at Realization that Border Crossing Had Already Happened: “Holy fuck, I’m in Oklahoma!”
Uncontrollable Verbal Outburst at Each Instance of Robinson’s Outdoor Advertising: “HAM SANDWICHES!”
Tendency of ReadBecca to Talk to Self in Car: Innate
Quality of Oklahoma State Highway Signage: Low
Curiosity at Meaning of “Wilderness” in “Arbuckle Wilderness”: Piqued
Number of Times Cigarette Purchase Considered: 1
Cigarettes Purchased: 0
Usefulness of Maps.Com Directions to Shawnee Holiday Inn Express: Nil
Wrong Turns Taken: 3
Percentage of Shawnee Population at Wal-Mart Super Mart on Saturday Afternoon: 100
Cost of Travel Size Hairspray: $1.09
Uncontrollable Verbal Outburst upon Entering Holiday Inn Express Suite: “Holy fuck, this is bigger than my apartment!”
Incongruent Groups Also Staying at Shawnee Holiday Inn Express: Class of ’54 and cage match fighters
Minutes Late to Wedding Ceremony: 10
Parts of Ceremony Missed: Overture including Beatles’ tune and Bride’s Entrance
Level of Regret at Missing Bride’s Entrance Due to Having Seen a Picture of the Dress Already: Low
Level of Regret at Missing Look on Groom’s Face: Inconsolable
Determination of Cause of Late Arrival: Ridiculous 35 mph speed limit and county constable watching
Compliments on Shoes: 2
Minutes Spent Making Group Small Talk before Group Instinct to Find Free Booze Kicked In: 5
Glasses of Red Wine Consumed: Innumerable
Number of First True Loves Seen: 1
Number of Decisions Not To Speak To Said First True Love Until He Spoke First: 1
Winner of Secret Decision Not to Speak To Said First True Love Until He Spoke First: ReadBecca
Number of Minutes First True Love Waited Before Acknowledging Presence of ReadBecca: 10
Number of Minutes First True Love Waited Before Acknowledging Presence of ReadBecca At Last Meeting: 30
Advantage: ReadBecca
Level of Awkwardness of Conversation With First True Love: low
Level of Awkwardness of Conversation With First True Love After Being Called By Said First True Love’s Wife’s Name: Moderate
Group Consensus On Who Had Changed The Least: First True Love
Stance of ReadBecca on Said Least Changed Vote: Dissenting
References Made to “My Left Nut”: 3
Bottles of Red Wine Carried Outside Tent to Watch Fireworks: 1
Number of Comments on Bottle of Red Wine Carried Outside Tent to Watch Fireworks: 267,418
Bottles of Red Wine Stolen for Later: 1
Bottles of Red Wine Stolen Back by Caterer: 1
Bottles of Red Wine Re-stolen: 1
Bottles of White Wine Stolen: Who cares? I don’t drink white wine.
Number of Sober Wives Required To Drive: 3
Number of Sober Wives Irritated at Drunks Who Would Not Shut Up Even When She Almost Hit a Deer: 1
Room Number of After-Party: 404
Number of Times ReadBecca’s Ass Slapped By Cage Fighting Teen In Neighboring Room: 1
Number of Times ReadBecca Announced Age Suitable For Being Mother of Cage Fighting Teen: 1
Number of Minutes Spent In Cage Fighting Party Room: 2
Number of Sober Wives In Attendance at After-Party: 0
Number of Microwave Ovens Deliberately Destroyed: 1
Room Number of After-After-Party: 402
Number of Beers Deliberately Poured on Bed: 4
References to High School Fight Song: 1
Number of Bags of Doritos Deliberately Placed Under Covers of Bed: 1
Number of Hotel Employees Dispatched to Deal With Unruly Guests: 1
Number of Announcements of Ending of Party: 1
Theme Song of 4 a.m. Hour: Evanescence, “Call Me When You’re Sober”
Number of Occupants of Dorito/Beer Bed Who Ended Up in the Bigger Than ReadBecca’s Apartment Suite Instead: 1
Number of Former Occupants of Dorito/Beer Bed Who Snore: 1
Hours of Sleep Attained by ReadBecca: None
Beds Shared With Former Occupant of Dorito/Beer Bed: 0
Beds Shared With Booker of Bigger Than My Apartment Suite: 1
Hours of Sleep Attained by ReadBecca: 2
Number of Beds Attempted Sleep In, In Toto: 3
Number of Cold Wash Cloths Applied to Forehead in Vain Attempt to Ward Off Headache: 1
Level of Inability to Figure Out Shower Operation: High
Number of Packets of Peanut Butter Crackers By Which Life Was Saved: 1
Conclusions Jumped To: 2
Level of Hangover at Time of Return: Orange
Brooks & Dunn Songs Deliberately Listened To: ½
Strangest Thing for Sale in Truck Stop Ladies’ Room: Bin Laden condoms
Realization that 4 a.m. Phone Call Was Not Meant As Character Indictment, But as Obscure Reference To The Events of 1988: Dawning
Number of Newly Married Couples Who Were Gracious Enough To Let High School Pals Use Their Wedding As An Excuse To Act Like Teenagers: 1
Newly Married Couples Who Couldn’t Be More Suited For Each Other: 1
Number of Beautiful Brides ReadBecca Would Be Friends With Even If She Hadn’t Married Someone ReadBecca Has Known For 20 Years: 1
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