I used to think Hell was Branson, Missouri, but now I know I was wrong.
Hell is much closer than you think. The Devil isn't pulling his greatest trick anymore.* He's advertising, with a catchy jingle and harmless cartoon animals. Wait, harmless cartoon animals? When was the last time you thought WOLVES were cute? Wolves aren't cute. They will eat your face off. Wolves will eat your friends so they can haunt you in increasing states of decay, give you rabies AND turn you into a werewolf. Those fuckers are smart.
And so is the Devil's advertising agency. Satan wants your children and he will get you to happily deliver them at no charge to him by means of an indoor water park and fake-timber bunkbeds in a reasonably priced hotel room. So go ahead and book Satan's Vacation at Great Wolf Lodge and offer your children to The Beast. Then you can go catch a farm-raised, mutant clone fish at Bass Pro and follow it up with a nice complimentary Mai Tai at The Glass Cactus because the souls of your fat, functionally illiterate spawn made such a juicy snack for God's Chief Frenemy that you're on the list and don't need a reservation.
For God's and your children's sake, take your kids camping for real in actual woods with animals that weren't drawn by an underpaid computer programmer in Taiwan. You do not need a climate-controlled water park, you need The Schlitterbahn. Your kids need to make the most kick-ass lanyards the Hill Country has ever seen, not become processed cheese food humanish space taker-uppers with in-room PS3. I will shrink wrap your face and keep you alive FOREVER LIKE A TWINKIE if I hear any of you ever went to this place, even on accident. Don't even stop there to ask directions on your way to Enchanted Rock. I am not kidding.
Listen, I know this is a little unlike me to advocate being outside when you all know I love concrete more than Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. But, dang, there's concrete, and then there's BUILDING A FAMILY FRIENDLY VACATION DESTINATION ON A FOUNDATION OF EVIL SHORED UP WITH REBAR FORGED IN SATAN'S METAL WORKS.
Frankly, I'm willing to get chiggers if it means I don't have to become Beelzebub's wife.
* Making you think he doesn't exist, duh. Jeez, watch The Usual Suspects again, you moron.
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