There Was No There, There.

Alternate title: Nature? No, Thank You.

I have been to the mountain top, and I don't care to go back. Ever. There were trees and snow. I saw them out the window. I saw them for three days.

I was told the Thanksgiving trip would be to a "ski resort." There was some "ski" but not a lick of "resort." The best way to explain it is that I was able to phonecam the entire town in two pictures. They had a Starbucks, but it hadn't opened for the season yet. They have over 300 nights a year below freezing. It was cold and I couldn't breathe due to the dry, oxygen-impaired air. I'm surprised my asthma didn't act up. I also had to sleep on a sofa bed. And I had no cell reception at 10,420 feet. I couldn't even send funny texts about my misery.

After coming down off the mountain, I got cell reception and a beer. It was warmer and there was something to do. I saw some red rocks in a canyon. I saw them out the window too. I saw a book store, but it was going out of business. People who hike don't read I guess. If we had spent three days in the canyon instead of just the one, I'm sure I would have had to hike, which would have been ok.

ReadBecca prefers hiking to being trapped in the tundra of a two-building town. It's my own personal version of "Would You Rather?" I would pay good money to keep the beauty of the outdoors unspoiled, as long as I didn't have to experience any of it.

Level of Irritation Over The Holiday: Chernobyl
Feeling at Inability to Hide Said Level of Irritation: Guilty

I Made It To Vegas Alive.

But I had the Shatner Seat on the plane. You do remember Twilight Zone: The Movie, don't you? ReadBecca thought of nothing else for three hours last night. That and the guy next to her was a leg fidgeter. Coach sucks.

We'll be on our way soon to the frozen tundra where I will apparently be doing some hiking. I haven't even had coffee, and I have to think about hiking. Yeesh.

It Turns Out I Actually Know The Jag-Off Who Ruined Things For Everyone.

I ran into a former colleague from the joint that laid me off and it turns out he wasn't defaming my virtue, he just has an unhealthy obsession with Will Farrell. So imagine if the students in Tiananmen Square hadn't been brutally repressed. Freedom of expression for all! Commence commenting at will.

Also, said former colleague wouldn't say how he obtained the information that ReadBecca exists. I imagine I told someone from the old joint who told him, but for the life of me, I don't remember who. In any case, secret identity exposed.

ReadBecca has been checking things out on The Weather Channel and she will be freezing over Thanksgiving. The lows are in the teens in Utah. God help me. The only thing I hate worse than being too hot is being too cold.

It also took me half an hour to make all my travel-sized liquids and gels fit into a Ziploc bag. It looks like Tetris.

And I didn't even bring my nighttime makeup. Just the boring brown daytime stuff. Also no eyelash curler. And no eyeliner sharpener. And no razor. Or hairspray. Or mousse. Or styling creme. Or detailing wax. I only packed three scarves and no pashminas. It's like I'm on Survivor.

I hope I don't meet Daniel Craig on the plane.

Sweet Mother Of All That Is Holy, Daniel Craig Is The Sexiest Man Alive, I Don’t Care What People Magazine Says About Clooney.

Matt the Miller Man hooked us up with some sneak preview tickets to see “Casino Royale” last night, and let me tell you, it was worth every sweet penny I didn’t spend to see it.

Daniel. Craig. So. Effing. Hot. I couldn’t talk when he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Literally. Me. Not talking. There were no words. I am officially over Collin Farrell.

Daniel Craig polishes his shoes with the likes of Collin Farrell. I couldn’t sleep last night for the visions of Daniel Craig I couldn’t get out of my head. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel. I now love the letter D more than any other letter, even R.

I’ve seen my share of naked foreigners, and Daniel Craig is by far the nakedest foreigner ever. The only thing we didn’t see was the goods. I’m convinced anyway. Goods or no goods, Daniel Craig is It. I hope he Googles himself and reads this and leaves comments. I don’t even care that he’s blond.

I liked the movie too.

There's Always One Jag-Off Who Ruins It For Everybody.

Comments are now being moderated. I told you people ReadBecca wasn't a democracy a long time ago. If you insist on standing in front of the tank, remember you're in Red China and no one will ever know your name.

Who Closes At 4 PM On A Saturday?

ReadBecca's dry cleaner, that's who.

This is the belated Margarita Ball recap.

ReadBecca cajoled her tailor into fixing, on a very tight schedule, a ripped seam in her black velvet jacket with the cute peplum in back, only to be stymied in her attempt to appear swanlike in her black A-line ball skirt by a ridiculously early-closing local proprietor.

I called Stefanie and told her they had my dress hostage and I had nothing to wear. ReadBecca does not own surplus formal wear. Stefanie skeptically asked if she should keep getting ready. ReadBecca says, "Absolutely. I'll think of something."

Forty-five minutes and three progress reports later, ReadBecca is in her undies and wishing the birds and mice from Cinderella would show up and start sewing something fabulous while she had a nice cocktail.

I had dressy-ish black pants purchased for the Oklahoma gig, so at least I had a base to start with. There was an attempt at going without a top under the jacket but ReadBecca couldn't pull it off. There was another attempt at a homemade tube top-esque thingie that reguired safety pins and a strapless bra that would have landed me on Go Fug Yourself. Then, genius struck.

I whipped out my pale pink satin and black lace camisole pajama top and wore that to the ball. I piled on many, many strands of pearls to serve as a distraction, and called the whole thing a tuxedo. It pays to own jammies that would make a Gabor sister proud.

Then, after all that, we were bored and there was no place to sit and we couldn't get cell reception to locate Matt the Miller Man in the sea of literally thousands of people, so we went to The Dubliner.

All the way there, we talked about how we were SO going to stand out in our finery, me in my new tuxedo, Stef in her knockout dress. (Shut up. No one thought we were gay.) It was going to kick ass how we were going to get so much attention. Then when we got there, we were totally ignored.

We forgot it was Halloween.

In any case, we made friends who bought us drinks all night, even during the extra hour of Daylight Savings Time craziness, and have determined that we will no longer be drinking shots, or staying the extra hour next year. You'd have to be drunk to agree to shots, which make you drunk, which leads to more shots. It's a vicious circle. But we took a taxi, so no one died.

To sum up, I went to a bar in my pajamas with a friend in a gown and drank shots with foreigners, and we weren't the weirdest people in the room. We live in interesting times.

Road Trip With ReadBecca: OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA! Edition

Number of Minutes Spent Looking for Pearls Worn Last Weekend: 75
Location of Pearls When Found: Under the couch
Hours Late Leaving for Oklahoma: ¾
Level of Hangover at Point of Departure: Yellow
Obligatory Trips to McDonald’s: 1
Number of Elapsed Minutes Before Realization That All CDs Left at Home: 20
Emotion Felt When Said Forgotten CDs Realization Meant Probable Exposure to Country Music: Horror
Emotion Felt at Discovery That Drive to Denton Isn’t That Far: Mild surprise
Number of Cars in Roadside Porn Store Parking Lot at 11:37 a.m.: 7
Level of Disappointment Felt That Passport Stamp Unnecessary for Border Crossing: Moderate
Uncontrollable Verbal Outburst at Realization that Border Crossing Had Already Happened: “Holy fuck, I’m in Oklahoma!”
Uncontrollable Verbal Outburst at Each Instance of Robinson’s Outdoor Advertising: “HAM SANDWICHES!”
Tendency of ReadBecca to Talk to Self in Car: Innate
Quality of Oklahoma State Highway Signage: Low
Curiosity at Meaning of “Wilderness” in “Arbuckle Wilderness”: Piqued
Number of Times Cigarette Purchase Considered: 1
Cigarettes Purchased: 0
Usefulness of Maps.Com Directions to Shawnee Holiday Inn Express: Nil
Wrong Turns Taken: 3
Percentage of Shawnee Population at Wal-Mart Super Mart on Saturday Afternoon: 100
Cost of Travel Size Hairspray: $1.09
Uncontrollable Verbal Outburst upon Entering Holiday Inn Express Suite: “Holy fuck, this is bigger than my apartment!”
Incongruent Groups Also Staying at Shawnee Holiday Inn Express: Class of ’54 and cage match fighters
Minutes Late to Wedding Ceremony: 10
Parts of Ceremony Missed: Overture including Beatles’ tune and Bride’s Entrance
Level of Regret at Missing Bride’s Entrance Due to Having Seen a Picture of the Dress Already: Low
Level of Regret at Missing Look on Groom’s Face: Inconsolable
Determination of Cause of Late Arrival: Ridiculous 35 mph speed limit and county constable watching
Compliments on Shoes: 2
Minutes Spent Making Group Small Talk before Group Instinct to Find Free Booze Kicked In: 5
Glasses of Red Wine Consumed: Innumerable
Number of First True Loves Seen: 1
Number of Decisions Not To Speak To Said First True Love Until He Spoke First: 1
Winner of Secret Decision Not to Speak To Said First True Love Until He Spoke First: ReadBecca
Number of Minutes First True Love Waited Before Acknowledging Presence of ReadBecca: 10
Number of Minutes First True Love Waited Before Acknowledging Presence of ReadBecca At Last Meeting: 30
Advantage: ReadBecca
Level of Awkwardness of Conversation With First True Love: low
Level of Awkwardness of Conversation With First True Love After Being Called By Said First True Love’s Wife’s Name: Moderate
Group Consensus On Who Had Changed The Least: First True Love
Stance of ReadBecca on Said Least Changed Vote: Dissenting
References Made to “My Left Nut”: 3
Bottles of Red Wine Carried Outside Tent to Watch Fireworks: 1
Number of Comments on Bottle of Red Wine Carried Outside Tent to Watch Fireworks: 267,418
Bottles of Red Wine Stolen for Later: 1
Bottles of Red Wine Stolen Back by Caterer: 1
Bottles of Red Wine Re-stolen: 1
Bottles of White Wine Stolen: Who cares? I don’t drink white wine.
Number of Sober Wives Required To Drive: 3
Number of Sober Wives Irritated at Drunks Who Would Not Shut Up Even When She Almost Hit a Deer: 1
Room Number of After-Party: 404
Number of Times ReadBecca’s Ass Slapped By Cage Fighting Teen In Neighboring Room: 1
Number of Times ReadBecca Announced Age Suitable For Being Mother of Cage Fighting Teen: 1
Number of Minutes Spent In Cage Fighting Party Room: 2
Number of Sober Wives In Attendance at After-Party: 0
Number of Microwave Ovens Deliberately Destroyed: 1
Room Number of After-After-Party: 402
Number of Beers Deliberately Poured on Bed: 4
References to High School Fight Song: 1
Number of Bags of Doritos Deliberately Placed Under Covers of Bed: 1
Number of Hotel Employees Dispatched to Deal With Unruly Guests: 1
Number of Announcements of Ending of Party: 1
Theme Song of 4 a.m. Hour: Evanescence, “Call Me When You’re Sober”
Number of Occupants of Dorito/Beer Bed Who Ended Up in the Bigger Than ReadBecca’s Apartment Suite Instead: 1
Number of Former Occupants of Dorito/Beer Bed Who Snore: 1
Hours of Sleep Attained by ReadBecca: None
Beds Shared With Former Occupant of Dorito/Beer Bed: 0
Beds Shared With Booker of Bigger Than My Apartment Suite: 1
Hours of Sleep Attained by ReadBecca: 2
Number of Beds Attempted Sleep In, In Toto: 3
Number of Cold Wash Cloths Applied to Forehead in Vain Attempt to Ward Off Headache: 1
Level of Inability to Figure Out Shower Operation: High
Number of Packets of Peanut Butter Crackers By Which Life Was Saved: 1
Conclusions Jumped To: 2
Level of Hangover at Time of Return: Orange
Brooks & Dunn Songs Deliberately Listened To: ½
Strangest Thing for Sale in Truck Stop Ladies’ Room: Bin Laden condoms
Realization that 4 a.m. Phone Call Was Not Meant As Character Indictment, But as Obscure Reference To The Events of 1988: Dawning
Number of Newly Married Couples Who Were Gracious Enough To Let High School Pals Use Their Wedding As An Excuse To Act Like Teenagers: 1
Newly Married Couples Who Couldn’t Be More Suited For Each Other: 1
Number of Beautiful Brides ReadBecca Would Be Friends With Even If She Hadn’t Married Someone ReadBecca Has Known For 20 Years: 1