"She is single and is in desperate need of a job."

People, I have had a shit week.

I didn't get any, a cop made me cry, I'm trapped in my house, my skin is in rebellion, my mother is coming to visit, I had an inappropriate sex dream about someone that made me feel guilty because in the dream I didn't feel guilty, I kept missing Teletubbies, it's cold outside, I don't have any money, no one will cook me dinner, I can't go to Luby's for chicken fried steak, I hate all my clothes, everyone's at work, I can't find any of my socks, I have to make the bed, I can't play the piano, there isn't a Pacciugo within walking distance, the mochas at the generic coffee shop suck, Starbucks still hasn't reinstated Valencia flavor, and no one wants to cuddle anymore.

But I managed to catch half the Teletubbies, I watched five episodes of Lost online for free last night, I have an interview on Monday and I had some cereal, so things are looking up.

I also think it's funny, and extremely frustrating, that no matter what my mother says to the contrary, the fact that I am not married and don't plan to have children and she would only truly be happy for me if I did is always on her mind. Today's headline is a direct quote from her regarding a work-favor I asked her to do. No mother should ever put "single and desperate" in any email regarding any part of her pushing-forty daughter's life. Ever. For any reason. EVER. She also uses my middle name and too many exclamation points. I told you the sperm bank story, didn't I? About how she told me on my 3oth birthday that she would help me find a sperm bank and move in with me to raise the baby? I am not making this up.

It really sucks when your mother doesn't get you.

Anyway, put out some good karma for me on the job front. I could use the help. Who is the patron saint of the unemployed? I need to go to the bodega and get a candle.

Also, aren't we all so relieved Britney's in the loony bin again? Remember when Anne Heche went loony and the aliens restraightened her? Now she's got her own show and it's kind of fun to watch. Britney should take some freakin' notes, man.