Do you ever do things you immediately regret? Ever carried a watermelon? Ever wish you could let things lie? Ever find yourself saying, "Every time I get out, I PULL ME BACK IN!" Ever feel like your mouth is your biggest liability? Would your superpower be the ability to conjer up a giant hole you can jump into that would automatically disappear and erase the memories of anyone within a 15-foot radius? Do remember when Monica left that completely insane voicemail for Magnum PI after they broke up and tried to erase it because she knew the code and ended up leaving the outgoing message that said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm getting my period or something," and then she accidentally reset the code and couldn't erase it and you were all, like, "I totally know how she feels?"
The last time I can remember a truly horrible, heinous, awful, train-wreck in progress that I could not control and knew would mortify me to the end of my days is when I made Fiona and Stefanie go undercover with me to a Match.com date. It put the AWK! in awkward.
And as for the hair-flipping incident, I don't even want to talk about it.
Just not call. Let things lie. Let it go. You're the only one who cares. Don't bring unneccesary attention to yourself when things get weird. If you just shut up, you can get out alive. Keep your nervous, freaky, insecure, over-eager, desperate, uncoolness to yourself.
Trust me on this. I totally know what I'm talking about.
And if you can't stop yourself from rolling that snowball down the hill, comfort yourself with this warm thought: Nobody else thinks it was as bad as you do in hindsight.
Except that's not true. Yes, it was that bad. You did make a fool of yourself. You should probably quit your job and move and never go to that bar again and avoid that person and anyone they might know or be related to. Change your name. Get a face transplant. Children will still laugh at you and point, but you're just going to have to live with it. Someday, you'll look back and laugh.
Except you won't.
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