My Date Got Fresh With Me Friday Night.

That Stefanie has a mouth on her, let me tell you, even if she is ReadBecca set on low.

We had a girl-date Friday night, dinner at Rockfish and drinks at ye olde Trinity Hall, our former club house. There was a time when you would find one or two of our gang there at any given time, any given day of the week. We were such the regulars that we were once driven home by a member of the waitstaff after celebrating a rather, ahem, graphic ballet. (It involved a giant tissue box.) Anyway, we hadn't been back in quite some time and we needed to check if we still knew anyone and if so, was it possible to date them. We did still know a few, and no, dating any of them is not permissible.

The conversation we had that is repeatable is the one about The Mystery of the Two-Vested Lady. Lady walks in wearing a long denim jumper, a giant ruffled red purse and an overly large fur vest. Whoa. Very uncool mom outfit from sometime in the 80's. So fine. We note the fug and move on.

However.

The fug didn't stop there. Denim jumper/fur vest combo has bagged her a man. She's canoodling in plain sight! Wearing a red turtleneck over her denim jumper with a fur vest and the largest red ruffled purse known to man.

But wait! There's more!

She has removed the fur vest, revealing a secondary vest of denim and studded patchwork embellishment. She achieved vest failsafe with the primary fur number and a back-up should the Soviets launch a vestal first strike. And if that first strike had come, she was set to do it for her country with that guy with the vest fetish. And Stefanie and I would have been clinging to each other, whispering sweet tips about the best exfoliant for dry skin.

We are so buying some vests before New York.

DALLAS! STARS! DALLAS! STARS!

Oh man you have GOT to go to a hockey game!

Stefanie got her sexy little hands on some tickets Wednesday. SOME tickets? Uh, they were SECOND ROW OFF THE GLASS tickets! Directly across from the Stars bench. You get a free program with seats like that, which Monica and I used to pick out the hottest players before the game started. Johan Hedberg, please be my love slave, and bring that kid Klemm with you while you're at it.

You can see everything. The players are all sweaty and manly and like two feet away. And when this girl sang the National Anthem, she didn't suck and whenever the word "star" is in the song, everyone shouts it out like this:

Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright STARS!, through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that STAR!-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

It's like Manifest Destiny that we're going to win. And it was a great game! They tied and went into overtime, then when no one scored, they had a shoot out! And the Stars won! Because of Manifest Destiny! And the winning goal was made by the awesomely named SERGEI ZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBOV! And because the Stars scored at least 3 goals, everyone got a free taco! I can't resist a sport where the announcer comes on and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, that was the TACO GOOOOAAALLL!" And I was so into it that I didn't even have to look up anything on ESPN to refresh my memory.

I am not a sports girl. I don't care who's playing or who wins. I do not own a lucky orange thong like some people I know who enjoy Longhorn football.

But Dallas Stars hockey, hell yeah! I had a fantastic time.

Burn Him! Burn Him, I Say!

There are lots of people on Oprah's message boards who, like James Frey, are filled with The Fury. It never fails to amaze me how people use the Internet to get so worked up about things. Message boards are today's angry villagers with torches. It's a good thing it's virtual because Mr. Frey would be dangling from the tallest tree right about now.

It also reminds me of the deeply philosophical lesson I learned from Men In Black: "“A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."

Monday, April 2, 2001, 6:05 AM

This is the first email I got from Evil Edward after he went back to England after we met. Recap: I met him on St. Patrick's Day. We spent two weeks together before he went home. By the time I got this email, he had already told me he loved me and we had started talking about one of us moving to be with the other. My comments in brackets.

Good Morning Darling, [He forgot my name already.]

I got your email first thing this morning at 2.30am plus you [First typo!] one from Alison's machine [BlackBerry] while I was walking around like a zombie, suffering from jet lag - It's horrible [Playing sympathy card.], I'm now sitting in the London office at 9am thinking it is three o'clock in the morning! [I'm so discombobulated! I'm so cute when I'm being a prick!]

I want to go to bed, preferably with you and just sleep for a week. [I know we had a lot of sex the last two weeks, but I have problems becoming erect and I also ejaculate prematurely. I will be having all the orgasms, not you.]

I'm glad you went out and spent time with your friends, went for a meal and watched a movie and had some drinks. [You're too needy. I want to spend time with my friends, go for a meal, watch a movie and have some drinks – without you.]

What about me, well - I WENT TO THE PUB ! [AND YOU WEREN'T THERE! IT WAS TERRIFIC!]

I met one of my oldest friends father in there with his son in law who I know and " chilled " - [I got absolutely hammered with these two dudes and hit on women all night.] I did breathe a sigh of relief after my first mouthful of beer. [I am an alcoholic.] At one point I did joke and ask for " a vodka martini, straight up with a twist of lemon " - [I'm gay.] I was met with complete confusion by the bar man and it felt like the entire bar went quiet ! [But I'm totally in the closet.]

The flight over was o.k. apart from the fact that there was a fat woman opposite me that kept on snoring and having to be woken up by the cabin crew. [I joined the mile high club with a flight attendant.]

I've spoken to Nicola because she phoned me to let me know Marmite is not well, [I'm actually married and we don't even have a cat, but I had to make this up in case you check my phone records.] I did go over to see him, [I fucked her.] it does not look good, [It was fantastic.] he's lost alot of weight [She is so hot.] and I have told her to take him to the vets today [She may be pregnant.] ( which she should of done before me ha having to tell her ) [I thought she was on the pill.] , I am afraid it does look like the end. [I'll never leave her.] I have told her I have met somebody else - [What happens in Dallas, stays in Dallas.] I will tell you more when I phone you later today - [I need time to make up some more bullshit.] don't worry everything is o.k. [I am going to destroy you in the most painful way I know how.]

I have had my meeting with my manager. [Not only am I married, I have a mistress other than you.] There we were, me thinking it is 3 in the morning [It was actually 3 am.] and him just having flown in from South Africa, [I called her for a piece of ass.] both of us not very mentally sharp. - [All we ever do is fuck.] The meeting went well, [It was fantastic.] he has given me some training goals to learn by the end of June. [She gave me an ultimatum.] Everytime he mentioned a training course I kept asking if that it would be held in Dallas..! [I'm going to dump her. It's a lot easier just to lie to you because you're so far away, you'll never figure it out.]

There is a course for one week in April which he said I could go to in Dallas, [I'm never going to deliver on any of my promises.] I am waiting to see if there are any spare spaces - [I will always have a bullshit excuse for not calling.] some more of my training will also be in either Toronto or Boston [I'll never be faithful.] but I will be able to take time out afterwards as the rest of my team will be in the Bahamas on a corporate expensed weeks holiday for services rendered - [I'll never leave my wife because she puts up with it.] I will hopefully be going next year as I do not qualify yet due to my time in the company (and yes, I can take a friend ! ). [As soon as I meet someone better than you, I'm going to dump you.]

Just to let you picture things the office in London is approx 5 miles west of Heathrow and is called the priory as it is a old stately home, [I work in a cubicle like everyone else.] it looks great but is not that practical as you have to fit the building not the other way around. [I am in charge of every aspect of this relationship.]

Tonight I am going to the golf club to practice my whack fuck and meet the gang. [I like to slap women around, screw them and then tell my friends about it.]

I will know in a couple of weeks if I will be going to Barcelona -[If she turns out to be knocked up...] if I am pack light! [...I'm out of here.] Tomorrow I am back in the London office with a client and Wednesday I will be in Gothenburg so get ready with those map pins ! [You will never be able to find me when you need me.] after that I will play a crafty side show and work in Nottingham and join a gym to get some weight off. [I am an accomplished liar and everyone thinks I am the nicest guy they've ever met.]

I have so far enjoyed a tuna sandwich, no steak or lobster! [The wife likes it missionary-style.]

Anyway, I will phone you later as my manager is at the next desk and I have been typing this message to you for a while. [She's getting suspicious.]

All my Love [More lies and pain than you have ever known,]


Edward Robbins [I'll just let the email signature do all the work since I can't be bothered to actually think about pleasing you.]
[Company name and phone number deleted.]

Just so's you know, I don't know if he was married or not. Since I was wrong on so many other things, it's entirely possible I didn't even know his real name.

You Make The Call.

What do you want to do today? Deconstruct an email from my ex-boyfriend or talk about Fig Newtons? Majority rules.

The Same Goes For You, Corner Bakery!

Can't a girl get a turkey sandwich with plain French's mustard without bustin' skulls?

Every time I go to Corner Bakery, I get the Turkey Derby WITHOUT 1000 Island, substitute plain mustard, not spicy. And it never fails I'm served a Turkey Derby WITH spicy brown mustard that I have to send back.

They haven't gotten it right, not once.

So when I want a turkey sandwich, I have to consider whether or not I'm in the mood to deal with the mustard situation. I thought I was today but I was wrong.

I should have just eaten soup at my desk.

I Do Not Want To Hear Your Explanation, Co-Worker.

Idiot Copy Writer keeps losing things I need to do my job. He keeps coming in my office and telling me over and over how it's not his fault. Seeing as how he can't even remember talking about the thing he did yesterday that he lost between 4 pm and 10 am this morning, I'm pretty sure it's his fault. The conversation goes like this:

ReadBecca: "You didn't make those changes so I marked them again and brought the copy back to you and I told you that I marked the changes you didn't make again and you said ok. You took the copy out of my hands. I need it. Where is it?"

Idiot Copy Writer: "What copy?"

RB: "The copy for this job that needs to go to the printer.

ICW: "But I made the changes the first time. See how I didn't highlight them as I didn't do them?"

RB: "After I told you you didn't make them the first time, I gave you a second mark-up, which is the latest approved copy."

ICW: "I made them the first time. I haven't seen you in a week."

RB: "You did not and we talked about this yesterday afternoon and the day before that and the day before that.

ICW: "The changes are in the current copy that you signed off on that I gave the Mac artist this morning."

RB: "The copy you gave me and the Mac artist this morning has not been approved. See? I have not signed it. Where is the second mark-up that I signed yesterday afternoon?"

ICW: "That copy is the approved one you looked at. See how it doesn't have any signatures?"

RB: "The copy was signed and marked up with changes for you to make that you have no proof you actually made since you had to be told twice to make them. No one has seen the approved copy since I gave it to you. Have you even looked for it?"

ICW: "You never gave me a second mark-up so I don't need to look."

RB: "I did so give you a second mark-up. I have proof. Go look."

ICW: "I don't remember anything I did after lunch yesterday."

RB: "Then how do you know I didn't bring you changes in the afternoon before the 4 o'clock meeting?"

ICW: "The Mac artist lost it."

Mac artist interjects: "Dude, she's right."

ICW: "The traffic coordinator lost it."

Traffic coordinator interjects: "I was out of the office after 1 pm yesterday."

ICW: "The junior art buyer lost it."

RB: "The junior art buyer never had it. I have proof."

ICW: "This job has been fucked up from the beginning and I've never been involved in the process this far so I don't even know why I need to update the copy. I mean, the legal doesn't have to be correct or anything, am I right?"

RB: "This job has been fucked up the last three times I've seen it because you keep losing the approved copy I signed off on and we keep having this conversation."

ICW: "It can't possibly be my fault. The account executive has lost control of the client."

RB: "Call me when you three have a plan."

ICW, MA, TC: [arguing, blaming, calling supervisors]

What The Hell, Paper Cuts?

Paper cuts, you are seriously making me angry.

Really, wasn't one bleeder this morning enough already? What have you got against the very tip of my left pinkie anyway? Didn't the left index cuticle satisfy you? Gah, all you want is more, more, more!

And don't tell me Boise is making extra-sharp 8 1/2x11 pages these days. You are just doing it to be cruel. I don't want to hear it! I can't even type anymore because there are no words that don't require me to use my poor pinkie finger.

I am so done with you, paper cuts! Just shut up, leave the key on the night stand and get the hell out.

Oh, How I Love You, Coffee.

Delicious coffee, come live with me and be my love. Open my sleepy eyes and send my heart racing. Please bring some mints for the post-coffee afterglow. I'm never worried you won't be there in the morning. I know you'll still love me tomorrow. You are the best imaginary boyfriend ever. Better than Collin Farrell pre- or post-rehab, even better than my latest imaginary boyfriend Jamie Cullum whom I just met.

I met him during the closing moments of Austin City Limits last week and fell in love. Thanks to PBS for introducing us on a blind date. I ran right out and bought two of his CDs (on sale). Who'd a thunk it? Me in love with a man who plays jazz. I had to ask someone at Virgin Mega where to look. Gross, jazz. But they say opposites attract and here we are! Totally in love and in a secret love triangle with coffee. Don't tell Jamie. All those lonely nights when he's on tour are hard on a girl, but when we kiss, ooh FIRE.

Jamie and I were so loud the other day that my flannel-wearing neighbor had to ask us to keep it down. I was blushing to be caught in flagrante, especially since we were doing it in the kitchen, Fight Club-style with yellow rubber gloves. It's going to so awkward when I see that neighbor in the laundry room.


www.jamiecullum.com

ReadBecca Year In Review: Definitely Not A Firable Offense

ReadBecca was reviewed today, kids, and her computer and stuff were still working when she got out of the meeting so yay, I don't have to go on the dole!

I scored a solid two. That's good. Five is the lowest. I got ones in some categories, but overall, I'm a two.

After the meeting, I stole a hot pink Mardi Gras mask off one of the Other Rebecca's desk. I wore my glasses on top. It looked freaky. I just kept working, in my mask. I carried on conversations like nothing was amiss. Sort of like the time I asked the CEO if we could get a dog.

There's a guy who has a toilet in his cube so Masked ReadBecca is not the weirdest thing going around here. There's a another guy who put his self-recorded rap number on iTunes. He gives "mad love to" the CEO. It's advertising.

WritingGal and Tipful Thea are having a joint birthday party with karaoke, which is essential for WritingGal. I hear she specifically requested "Pour Some Sugar On Me" at her wedding reception. And since she thinks it's her birthday or something, she's going to sing Neil Diamond, which is what I always sing because you can sort of fake it through "Love On the Rocks" when you accessorize with a half-empty drink and a cigarette, strategically flicked at the audience at the first chorus. And you know some sucker is going to go with "Sweet Caroline" and that is just too much Neil.

So I need back-up karoake suggestions. Help a brother out.

Coca-Cola: My Arch Nemesis

One week down with nary a soda. Except for dinner Saturday. I rewarded myself for doing a good job. My thoughts on the first sip after a sipless week?

"Gah, this shit is too sweet."

I resisted the siren call of the free refill. I had three glasses of champagne instead. (Thanks for the headache, STEFANIE.)
So the gradual, no ridiculous, instantaneous, crazy plan to overhaul my fitness level approach is working. How do I know?

One week without fast food and Coke + A barely perceptible increase in physical activity = 5 vanished pounds.

I know! 5! It's nuts! I'll be Nicole Richie in like a month at that pace! My dad will be on TV telling people I don't eat! Wow!

I am so going to have sex this year. (Now THAT is a New Year's Resolution.)

ReadBecca Is Mad At You.

ReadBecca is angry.

She knows she should just let it go because there's no point in continuing being angry. She also knows she isn't going to get the resolution she wants from the object of her wrath. ReadBecca is angry anyway.

ReadBecca wants to unleash The Fury, like in "A Million Little Pieces." Damn that Fury. It isn't easy to safely release it.

It's like that nuclear bomb that crazy cult may or may not have set off in Australia. Remember those nuts who gassed the subway in Japan? Yeah, that's them. The Australian Outback is so desolate, those wackos may have actually built and USED a nuclear weapon and no one noticed. For like a year.

That is what ReadBecca would like to do. I mean, ReadBecca doesn't want to become a nuclear power or anything insane. She's just saying she's extremely disappointed in you, hurt and pissed off, and she wishes she had a symbolic Outback of her own. She doesn't. She has a blog. A blog is no Australia. What to do?

You = Inconsiderate jackass.

Ah, that's better. Being rational didn't work but name-calling? Oh yeah, that hits the spot.

I Like New Year's Resolutions. I Make Them All The Time.

I have given up on the gym. I hate the gym. I will never learn to love or even tolerate the gym. The gym is dead to me.

But I can take the stairs. And I can learn aerobic striptease from Carmen Electra. (You are so jealous of my hip rolls right now, I know it.) I can jump rope. I can walk to the park and swing on the swings for a while. I can swim in the summer. I can take short walks on a daily basis. I can be French. Watch me. I'm so being French right now.

My one solid, old-fashioned resolution this year is to kick the Coca-Cola habit. I found a helpful news article today on that subject. One 20 oz. Coke, my usual suspect, is the same as eating 17 spoonfuls of sugar. I cannot eat 17 spoonsful of sugar. (Like how I use variety in my measuring? I can't be bothered to look it up.) If I sat down with a bowl of sugar and a spoon, I bet I could only eat five. I could only eat three maybe if it was brown sugar. Seventeen would make me sick. So no more 17 spoonsfuls of sugar for DisRespecca. And especially not 34 spoonsfuls on the days I drink two! One 20 oz. Coke is the same as 80 baby carrots! That's 160 baby carrots on a two-coke day! Jeesum Crow! Baby carrots galore!

If you catch me drinking the contraband coke, slap it out of my hand or make me eat sugar until my tongue swells up or something. Coke is dead to me.

I'm Already Eating the Caribou, Man.

First, check out Pattoons (http://pattoons.blogspot.com/) for his toon of yours truly. Thanks for making my boobs so huge, Patt!

Second, I made out with another stranger!

After cocktails with Bogda, I stopped off on the way home at The Balcony Club to hear a little music before bed. Except they quit early since it was Thursday. So I talked to some random people and overshared about dating dudes in bands and made everyone tell me a story. Next thing I know, I was kissing Sam, the jazz piano player from Egypt who loves Chick Correa. I don't know who Chick Correa is, but that name is in crossword puzzles all the time so it's familiar to me.

Anyway, this guy was a little too aggressive. Like when I was done kissing him and tried to pull away, he kind of wouldn't let me for a second. Flag on the play, man, flag on the play. Then he tried to use some philosophical crap on me to get me to sleep with him. Some sort of "seize the day" garbage about living in the moment or somesuch nonsense. I didn't buy it. So he requested another act without actually saying the words "Well then, how about a hand job?" but that's what he meant.

What a marroon. There's no way to romanticize a quick wank in a parking lot.

Then he wanted to go to my place so he could go to the bathroom. I told him there was no way he was getting in my house and he tried to make me feel guilty, which didn't work because I am such a bitch and don't care if people have to pee, but he didn't know me so he tried the "I have to go" ruse anyway. So I gave him a fake number and went home. He so picked the wrong girl.

Jersey Frank was a better kisser and more fun. He never gave me the heebie jeebies.

P.S. Jazz still makes me nauseous. Seriously, what the hell is going on with that crap?