This is the first email I got from Evil Edward after he went back to England after we met. Recap: I met him on St. Patrick's Day. We spent two weeks together before he went home. By the time I got this email, he had already told me he loved me and we had started talking about one of us moving to be with the other. My comments in brackets.
Good Morning Darling, [He forgot my name already.]
I got your email first thing this morning at 2.30am plus you [First typo!] one from Alison's machine [BlackBerry] while I was walking around like a zombie, suffering from jet lag - It's horrible [Playing sympathy card.], I'm now sitting in the London office at 9am thinking it is three o'clock in the morning! [I'm so discombobulated! I'm so cute when I'm being a prick!]
I want to go to bed, preferably with you and just sleep for a week. [I know we had a lot of sex the last two weeks, but I have problems becoming erect and I also ejaculate prematurely. I will be having all the orgasms, not you.]
I'm glad you went out and spent time with your friends, went for a meal and watched a movie and had some drinks. [You're too needy. I want to spend time with my friends, go for a meal, watch a movie and have some drinks – without you.]
What about me, well - I WENT TO THE PUB ! [AND YOU WEREN'T THERE! IT WAS TERRIFIC!]
I met one of my oldest friends father in there with his son in law who I know and " chilled " - [I got absolutely hammered with these two dudes and hit on women all night.] I did breathe a sigh of relief after my first mouthful of beer. [I am an alcoholic.] At one point I did joke and ask for " a vodka martini, straight up with a twist of lemon " - [I'm gay.] I was met with complete confusion by the bar man and it felt like the entire bar went quiet ! [But I'm totally in the closet.]
The flight over was o.k. apart from the fact that there was a fat woman opposite me that kept on snoring and having to be woken up by the cabin crew. [I joined the mile high club with a flight attendant.]
I've spoken to Nicola because she phoned me to let me know Marmite is not well, [I'm actually married and we don't even have a cat, but I had to make this up in case you check my phone records.] I did go over to see him, [I fucked her.] it does not look good, [It was fantastic.] he's lost alot of weight [She is so hot.] and I have told her to take him to the vets today [She may be pregnant.] ( which she should of done before me ha having to tell her ) [I thought she was on the pill.] , I am afraid it does look like the end. [I'll never leave her.] I have told her I have met somebody else - [What happens in Dallas, stays in Dallas.] I will tell you more when I phone you later today - [I need time to make up some more bullshit.] don't worry everything is o.k. [I am going to destroy you in the most painful way I know how.]
I have had my meeting with my manager. [Not only am I married, I have a mistress other than you.] There we were, me thinking it is 3 in the morning [It was actually 3 am.] and him just having flown in from South Africa, [I called her for a piece of ass.] both of us not very mentally sharp. - [All we ever do is fuck.] The meeting went well, [It was fantastic.] he has given me some training goals to learn by the end of June. [She gave me an ultimatum.] Everytime he mentioned a training course I kept asking if that it would be held in Dallas..! [I'm going to dump her. It's a lot easier just to lie to you because you're so far away, you'll never figure it out.]
There is a course for one week in April which he said I could go to in Dallas, [I'm never going to deliver on any of my promises.] I am waiting to see if there are any spare spaces - [I will always have a bullshit excuse for not calling.] some more of my training will also be in either Toronto or Boston [I'll never be faithful.] but I will be able to take time out afterwards as the rest of my team will be in the Bahamas on a corporate expensed weeks holiday for services rendered - [I'll never leave my wife because she puts up with it.] I will hopefully be going next year as I do not qualify yet due to my time in the company (and yes, I can take a friend ! ). [As soon as I meet someone better than you, I'm going to dump you.]
Just to let you picture things the office in London is approx 5 miles west of Heathrow and is called the priory as it is a old stately home, [I work in a cubicle like everyone else.] it looks great but is not that practical as you have to fit the building not the other way around. [I am in charge of every aspect of this relationship.]
Tonight I am going to the golf club to practice my whack fuck and meet the gang. [I like to slap women around, screw them and then tell my friends about it.]
I will know in a couple of weeks if I will be going to Barcelona -[If she turns out to be knocked up...] if I am pack light! [...I'm out of here.] Tomorrow I am back in the London office with a client and Wednesday I will be in Gothenburg so get ready with those map pins ! [You will never be able to find me when you need me.] after that I will play a crafty side show and work in Nottingham and join a gym to get some weight off. [I am an accomplished liar and everyone thinks I am the nicest guy they've ever met.]
I have so far enjoyed a tuna sandwich, no steak or lobster! [The wife likes it missionary-style.]
Anyway, I will phone you later as my manager is at the next desk and I have been typing this message to you for a while. [She's getting suspicious.]
All my Love [More lies and pain than you have ever known,]
Edward Robbins [I'll just let the email signature do all the work since I can't be bothered to actually think about pleasing you.]
[Company name and phone number deleted.]
Just so's you know, I don't know if he was married or not. Since I was wrong on so many other things, it's entirely possible I didn't even know his real name.
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