St. Patrick's Day, 2002

I haven't had sex since St. Patrick's Day, 2002. Yes, I realize it's been almost four years. Shut up.

This is the longest I've ever been deprived since I first Did It. (August 12, 1989. During the annual meteor shower. Hi Bennett!) The previous record was eight months. (In Ireland. Hi Mark!)

The Streak began because of Evil Edward. Meeting him was like buying a broken heart from an infomercial. It took six to eight weeks to arrive.

When he literally deserted me, it was one of the top five worst things that have ever happened to me. I was absolutely devastated. Nuclear winter devastated. Me and my devastation moved to a fallout shelter and we kept each other company. We didn't even want to have repopulate-the-species sex.

But revenge sex, that was ok.

So I picked up some English guy during the 2002 Greenville St. Patrick's Day party, which was the one-year anniversary of the day I met Evil Edward, also at the Greenville St. Patty's bachanalia. You know, because Evil Edward was English and it was our anniversary even though I hadn't seen him since the previous June. And I'd already made out with a French guy right before Thanksgiving. You know, because the English hate the French.

I told the English guy that I didn't want to trade email addresses or anything like that. (Hi Christoper. Still don't email me.) I just wanted to do it and not talk.

HA! I'll have sex with some dude I don't know and then just forget him. Take that, Evil Edward! Even though you'll never know about it and you wouldn't care even if you did! And it'll just make me feel gross and I won't enjoy it at all and the whole time I'll be thinking, "This was a mistake. Just get off me and get the hell out of my apartment which I haven't cleaned in six months because I've been busy crying." And won't my triumph over Evil Edward be complete when Substitute Edward falls asleep and stays the night and I have to drive him to his hotel the next morning and I have to live with the knowledge that he told his friends disgusting things about me! YAY! I TOTALLY WIN!

So The Streak is making a lot more sense, no?

I did try to break The Streak once. (Hi Tucker! Hi Mrs. Tucker!) And then we went to Medici for Jacquie's birthday. You all remember Clayton, right? (HELLOOOOOO CLAYTON, YOU HOTLANTA HOTTIE!) Man, I should have made out with that kid.

So I still got it. I just don't have anywhere to put it right now. The Streak may have been caused by trauma, but it lives on because my focus has changed. When I'm out with the girls, I'm having a good time with them, not looking for a hook-up. It doesn't even occur to me to try, and no one approaches me.

I suspect I'm putting out (pun intended) a Not Interested vibe. How did that happen, exactly? I've been described as "a sparkly sex angel" and my skills as "majestic" and now there's no men in sight, anywhere. It used to be so easy and natural. I used to feel like the sexiest girl in the room, whatever room I was in. I had confidence and a smoldering gaze. I used to slowly take off my glasses and toss my hair around, and I wasn't kidding. I used to stare at guys and will them to come talk to me. And they would!

I miss that girl. I want her back.

Anybody seen my sex life? I left it around here somewhere...