Satan: No, Thank You.

People, the Devil is real. I don't have, you know, first-hand proof, but hey, I don't want any.

I had a dream that Olivia from Law & Order: SVU was possessed by the devil when Stabler left her alone in a Not Good place. She even told him she felt an evil presence, but you know Stabler. He went after the perp anyway and left Olivia with the great cheekbones all by herself. She didn't stand a chance.

So Olivia is possessed and somehow I turn into her, but I know the devil is there. But then Olivia/me is in a different body entirely. We're the devil dressed up like a priest. And for some reason we have to get in this cabinet and when we open it, we discover a tabernacle and we know there's a consecrated host in there and we're freaked out. You know, because it's the body of Jesus Himself we're dealing with now, and we know He could totally kick our ass.

And there's some sort of burning ember we have to put out so no one will know we're the devil but we can't touch it because the Body of Christ will burn us, since the ember is smoldering away on top of the host. We do it anyway and our hands get all blistered.

Then we're not in the devil priest, we're outside him and there's no "we" anymore because Olivia is off solving a crime or something and I'm on my own. And btw, the devil priest has hollow eyeballs filled with blood, so if you look into his pupils, you can see it sloshing around in there. It's super red when you do.

So what do I do? I start poking the devil priest in the forehead, who's laying on the floor for some reason – just chillin', and telling him I know he's the devil and that God loves me and will protect me from him. And I know it's pissing him off and I keep doing it.

I mean, who pokes the bloody-eyed devil in the forehead while he's trying to relax?

I woke up unnerved and repeating to myself that God will protect me. I almost got my rosary out of the box I keep by my bed to go back to sleep with it in my hands, but some rational, and very likely to get me possessed, part of my brain said No It's Just A Dream. But another part of my brain noticed that it was nearly four in the morning, which is the 3 a.m. hour, which I just learned from that Emily Rose movie is a perversion of the traditional time when Jesus died, 3 in the afternoon, so then I thought, Crap I Just Might Be Actually Getting Possessed Right Now.

This all happened in like a millisecond so I didn't have time to process much before I went back to sleep.

Scary Epilogue:

Kidd Kraddick had a devil bit this morning. And I NEVER listen to Kidd Kraddick. Tilty camera angle commences. REEK REEK REEK REEK REEK REEK!